text | un: robert.plant

[righteously]

So we're all just gonna ignore the whole 'getting pooped out by a dragon' thing?

whoever owns the giant chicken with the bow tie, I'm gonna deep-fry that bitch

3 minutes is not long enough to shower off egg membrane, that's freaking disgusting okay
just flat-out unhygienic, period
gross

the first time I hear somebody jerking off in a hammock I'm gonna set it on fire

this place sucks balls

as you were.

Comments

[righteously]

Sam's my brother's name, coincidentally
He's the moose on the list



Yeah, as it turns out they DO move in herds

[pridecroweth]

I'm like a quarter Canadian, makes for good moose wrangling skills.

（ ha, ha. ）

Let me guess. 1980? '81? These references, while sick AF, are narrowing down the timeline considerably.

（ y'all be soundin' like a geriatric millennial, dean-o. ）

[righteously]

excuse me

( how dare u, u bitch )

[pridecroweth]

Look, there's no Denny's parking lot for us to brawl in so if that's where you're headed with that you better square up.

[righteously]

I'll settle for a Waffle House, I'm all set on my grand slam quota

[pridecroweth]

Christ, you just reminded me how much I miss Waffle House.

Sadly, your options here are limited to gray protein bar or slightly more gray protein bar.

[righteously]

Yeah, I figured that much out
and I thought the last place was bad


I can't believe I'm saying this, but
I'd settle for turkey bacon

That feels so wrong
I need another shower

[pridecroweth]

Careful, words like that you may as well call yourself a vegan.

[righteously]

That's it, you're getting a stone cold stunner

[pridecroweth]

Mock-fear:

Oh no, how will I live?

[righteously]

Consider yourself arch-nemesised
you blew it, I'm a riot at parties

[pridecroweth]

I've already got an arch-nemesis, her name is Laura, she works in narcotics and she thinks coffee should be like making love in a canoe.

[righteously]

what does that even mean??

[pridecroweth]

It's fucking close to water.

[righteously]

alright, I'll give you that one
you're un-nemesised
but you're on thin ice pal

[pridecroweth]

I'm a detective from Chicago, thin ice is a specialty of mine.

Nice to meet you too.

[righteously]

Chicago huh
My condolences

[pridecroweth]

If Anish Kapoor could mind his own fucking business it wouldn't be that bad.

（ anish kapoor, patenter of the color black, creator of the bean. he's a prick. ）

[righteously]

Huh. I knew that one. Look at that, late night Jeopardy's finally paying off.

Gotta hand it to him, no other douchebag's ever managed to make a hundred thousand people wanna flick the same bean before

[pridecroweth]

The Heff would beg to differ.

[righteously]

The Heff isn't a douchebag, he's a national treasure

[pridecroweth]

Oh, I see this is how we're circling back around to the nemeses wagon.

Because the man could be both at once TBQH.

[righteously]

Sounds like somebody's jealous they don't own a bunny ranch

[pridecroweth]

Nah, the ex-wife would kill me. And she's a former cop, she'd know how to get away with it.

My vengeful ghost would have to come be the plucky sidekick to a grizzled detective forty years on. Above my paygrade, man.

[righteously]

I'll hook you up with a bonafide ghostbuster for a swift mercy re-killing, don't sweat it.