text ↪ un: dostoevsky

[dissemblance]

Can we all take a moment to admire the fact that 2801 technology still supports emoji functionality? 🤩 👍 🕷 💁 🩰 💫 🍆 🧊 💅 👁‍🗨 🎯 🤡 🔋 🐈 💲 🧙‍♀️ 🐦💋 🐜 👽 🕶 ⚡ 🕵🏻‍♀️ 💦 💦 💦

It seems like they're pretty set on calling us 'Hatchlings', so... hello, fellow Hatchlings, I'd like to play a game.

Two truths and a lie. I'll start.

  ① Starbucks makes the best lattes.
  ② I've never watched All Dogs Go To Heaven all the way through.
  ③ My birthdate is May 21st. What year? Every year. 😉😉😉 But my party in 2018 was 🔥🔥🔥.

Comments

[wittingly]

yeah, no wonder you like me

it's like looking into a mirror

you look at my flannel shirt and my MP3 player but you're really seeing YOURSELF looking back

it's okay, take your time, come to terms, I'm here for you during this tumultuous journey of self-acceptance

[nonscriptum]

I'll admit I'm a hipster when you admit Starbucks over-roasts their beans.

[wittingly]

Starbucks saved me from the aliens, you can pry my loyalty from my warm alive hands

warm and alive thanks to Starbucks

[nonscriptum]

Do you want me to write them a thank you note?

[wittingly]

Yes, actually, I'd appreciate that
I'll proofread it, don't hold back

[nonscriptum]

Dear Starbucks, thank you for your terrible, over-done coffee beans. The man I'm dating is obsessed with them and without your bitter brew he wouldn't be alive right now. Love, Nate

[wittingly]

I get the feeling you're not taking this very seriously

[nonscriptum]

I'm not compromising my integrity even though I'm grateful you're in my life, Ian

[wittingly]

no
no it's fine
I understand
you have your principals
it's okay
I'm not crying
don't worry about me
I'll get through this somehow
on my own
unsupported
suffering

[dissemblance]

Please, and understand that I am begging you here, get a hammock.

[wittingly]

I wish
we're both 6 ft tall
even an engineering degree won't fix a hammock

[dissemblance]

Do you flex when you grab O.J out of the fridge too, Mr. PhD?

[wittingly]

Only after my daily 3 hour shirtless public crossfit training when I'm reaching for my vegan protein shake

If it helps at all, I was about 3 months away from that PhD when the aliens rudely interrupted, so technically I don't get the title

[dissemblance]

Mea culpa, *vegan protein shake.

I think an alien invasion probably qualifies someone for an honorary degree.

So was this like, Will Smith in Independence Day style aliens, Will Smith in Men in Black style aliens, or Will Smith in I Am Legend aliens?

Or was that last one zombies? Hard to keep it all straight. If you need a guy to save the universe, I'm just saying... Will Smith.

[wittingly]

I've never actually seen I Am Legend, but if they're zombie-ish then definitely not that one

Probably a split between Independence Day and War of the Worlds, but if Will Smith didn't exist and they tried to use Nicolas Cage but he was still busy with the National Treasure sequel everyone forgets about

[dissemblance]

I honestly don't remember enough about it to tell you one way or another. I just know the mannequins scared the hell out of me.

Also: ouch. Sounds rough. Would you say this is actually a step up from your situation, then?

[wittingly]

From home? Yeah. For starters, it doesn't seem like this place has such a rapidly approaching expiration date. No restrictions on metal usage means more consistent electricity. We only had maybe forty or fifty people at my camp, so it feels a little bit less like we're borderline extinct here. And, as far as I've seen, there's no threat actively making an effort to hunt anybody down.

I mean, unless you count the rats, but they weren't exactly technologically advanced, so. Doesn't really compare.

Also, there's no guy named Ron running around here thinking a cow makes him god's gift to the remainder of mankind. That's the main selling point.

[nonscriptum]

You can cry on my shoulder later, we should leave the nice lady's post alone.

[wittingly]

as you wish

[dissemblance]

Who said I'm a lady? 😘

[nonscriptum]

I took a shot in the dark. How off-base am I?