text ↪ un: dostoevsky

[dissemblance]

Can we all take a moment to admire the fact that 2801 technology still supports emoji functionality? 🤩 👍 🕷 💁 🩰 💫 🍆 🧊 💅 👁‍🗨 🎯 🤡 🔋 🐈 💲 🧙‍♀️ 🐦💋 🐜 👽 🕶 ⚡ 🕵🏻‍♀️ 💦 💦 💦

It seems like they're pretty set on calling us 'Hatchlings', so... hello, fellow Hatchlings, I'd like to play a game.

Two truths and a lie. I'll start.

  ① Starbucks makes the best lattes.
  ② I've never watched All Dogs Go To Heaven all the way through.
  ③ My birthdate is May 21st. What year? Every year. 😉😉😉 But my party in 2018 was 🔥🔥🔥.

Comments

@j.benjamin

[cicatrize]

Just because they exist doesn't mean we must use absolutely all of them. 1 is dependent on taste. Assuming that isn't the lie, I pity your lack of latte range. My guess is 3.

1. I'm royalty
2. I head my government's Ministry of Information
3. The culinary staff of an elderly diplomat living out retirement in the hills of Austeria makes the best lattes

@weaverville

[wittingly]

3 is the lie
It's Starbucks
Sorry man, I'm an engineer, I know these things

[cicatrize]

How does being an engineer make you an expert on gourmet caffeine?

[wittingly]

the fact that you even had to ask means you wouldn't understand

It's complex
Science-y
There's math involved, it's a whole thing

[cicatrize]

Pretty sure all 3 of those are the lie but ok.
Did an actual accredited academy issue your Science-y degree?

[wittingly]

yeah man
I teach it at Berkeley now

Well
I did

[cicatrize]

Were you fired once administration realized your classes were centered on proper frothing technique?

[wittingly]

no, we had an apocalypse, but close guess

[cicatrize]

Oh, that old world's end excuse.
What was it? Plague, famine, asteroid?

[wittingly]

Aliens

My degrees didn't really meet their requirements

[cicatrize]

Aliens. Huh.
Not the twist I was expecting.
And yet you survived to extraterrestrial culling, so your science-y education must've provided some use, beverage connoisseurship aside.

[wittingly]

it came in handy eventually, but it definitely wasn't my quick thinking and badass impulses that saved me from the initial culling

that credit goes to my stoned TA

MA BOI

[cicatrize]

Somehow I missed the scripture with "and the baked shall inherit the Earth".

never 4get

[wittingly]

meek was a mistranslation, don't worry, we were just as confused as you are

[cicatrize]

I imagine you had bigger, more extraterrestrial things to be confused about at the time. How was humanity faring when you left? Improving, or still hurtling towards the extinction?

[wittingly]

Definitely the latter.

@indy

[nonscriptum]

#2 because you don't seem like a desk job guy.

[cicatrize]

Tell him what he's won, Vanna.
I was Minister of Information, but have since moved on.
I'll admit, the desk part wasn't thrilling.

[nonscriptum]

I know the feeling.

Royalty, huh?

[cicatrize]

Royalty. Heir to the throne, even.

[ you fucking were, jack, kind of invalid now after the whole bloody coup thing, but shhh, no one needs those details. ]

I assume your workplace is a bit more riveting than a cubicle?

[nonscriptum]

Congratulations?

My workplace used to involved regular firearm usage, so yeah
you could say it was more riveting than a cubicle

[dissemblance]

I'm choosing to believe you're royalty because I read your entire comment in a very posh but incredibly stiff British accent in my head and now you're just Prince Harry's eggy doppelgänger.

And since I'm assuming you're Prince Harry's eggy doppelgänger, it follows logically that you'd know an elderly diplomat with a culinary staff that makes what are, in your opinion, the best lattes.

So, Ministry of Information. Final answer.

（ this one's a little harder to guess, but as with everyone she's replied to, she's going with the answer she thinks will be the most interesting, not the one she necessarily thinks is the lie. ）

[cicatrize]

Not British, but posh is acceptable. I refuse to be termed second to anyone who willingly goes by 'Harry'.

Got it. Ministry of Information was past employment, not current. [ technically, 'prince' probably is past employment now too, but fuck that, no one's taking royalty from him. ]

What made your 2018 party worth the honorable mention?