raianet | text ↪ un: weaverville

[He's not even a little surprised at being called out, but instead what he feels in response is a mix of annoyance at not being able to just get away with it and appreciation that Ian cares. Again, the struggle of having friends.

He could continue to deflect, or even turn it around back on Ian, and both are really tempting options. But instead he firmly tells himself that isn't the way to handle it, and there's silence for several seconds before he does finally respond.]

It just takes a lot, and I don't have it right now.

[Energy, motivation, willpower, whatever. He doesn't have enough of any of it for this adjustment period not to feel like an insurmountable obstacle, and so for the most part he's just been sort of on autopilot at a suitable mental distance.]

( The struggle of having friends indeed. For what it's worth, he appreciates the honesty. He's been a little siloed within himself, a little disconnected. It doesn't help that they don't really get any free time, most of what he spends with Nate is around bedtime. There's him, there's Lance, and that's it. Not enough time to build any new connections, and not enough drive to bother, because... Well, see: attachment issues.

This weirdly helps. Maybe reinforces the fact that he's not actually alone. )

Is there anything I can do to help? Hugs, drugs, twenty foot sex robot? Blatantly manipulate you into actually talking about it even though you don't want to because we both know it would help, and you're way too good at this for me to bother actually trying to be subtle?

[That last comment earns another weak but genuine laugh, and although he doesn't uncross his arms, they do loosen a little and he manages to drag his gaze back to Ian instead of the phones.]

You'd talked about working on a fix for the sleeping situation, so if that's still on your list of projects...

[He's too introverted for this 'around people 24/7' thing to work, and honestly if he got a little more sleep he'd probably be handling all of this a lot better.

But more seriously--]

I probably should talk about it, but there's no single 'it'. There's just a whole list of things and they're all tangled together and neither of us has all day for my emotional problems, so that'll have to wait.

[It's honest, even if it's also an evasion. At least he's not denying there's issues anymore, so that's something. Sort of.]

( He sighs unhappily, glancing back at his desk like it has something to contribute to the conversation. )

I'm... I started drawing up floor plans. I planned to- I'm going to make us a place that's private. It's just that somebody else spotted them and got really... Tense about prioritizing ourselves over the bunker situation. I have to finish that first, I think, because it'll make us all look better to the locals. As soon as that's done, I should be able to finish up phase one for move-in. Maybe... Two months?

( Which is way too long to his introverted brain too, but... It is what it is. They need to be accepted into the community here. )

But that means pretty much all I can do is strong-arm you into starting on your list, so... When's the next time you're free to get a drink?

[That news is... Kind of painful, honestly, but it's what the situation calls for, and he's not about to argue with what Ian's decided is the best way to handle it especially since it's a big favor anyway. So he just nods, as though this is some sort of mundane information about the weather, though in addition to his actual dismay at the situation he's also a little concerned by what the locals might be expecting of the new arrivals. That's going to be an issue to keep aware of.

Just one more thing for the list, and he lets himself sigh at the question, not so sure he's actually ready to agree to this, but--]

Whenever. I'm mostly making my own schedule with helping out the medics, so it's more about when you have opportunity to dig yourself out from under your projects.

( Lance does a great job selling that acceptance as not being particularity terrible. Even so, Ian knows how he feels about it himself. He also knows that all three of them have a few key traits in common, and sleeping surrounded by people is bound to be fucking all of them over slowly but surely. It's draining. He has a few short term ideas he'll pitch later.

The display on his watch goes dark, indicating that the transfer is done. He detaches both devices, and turns to offer Lance his phone back. )

I think I should be done for the night in... Like two hours? Give or take? If you're good for that. I can meet you at the...

( Vague gesture, finger snap, fuck, his brain is so fried he can't even remember the word.

Whatever, Lance gets his meaning, he's sure. )

Edited 2021-06-08 04:29 (UTC)

The place.

[He says it flatly, but with a hint of an amused smile as he takes the phone; yeah, he gets the meaning, or at least he's pretty sure he does. No problem.

But he does add--]

I don't intend to be the only person talking.

[Just, you know. Putting that out there.]

( His answer is one huffed out sigh and a lightly declared: )

Fuck.

( He's not exactly shocked, but he's already committed. Bailing out of letting Lance talk about what's bothering him for his own selfish sake doesn't really sit right. It's fine. He'll navigate.

Maybe. Probably. Fucking Lance. )

Yeah, okay, I know. Get out of my office. Go check out the robot.

( That's his absent dismissal as he turns around to get straight back into working. Already distracted, already focusing.

It's more like two and a half hours before he shows up at The Place, sorry man. Priority number one: get a drink. Priority two is apologize for tardiness. )

[He feels smug enough at that response that he offers a small smirk and a wave goodbye, before he does indeed go check out the robot. The super cool robot. Wow.

But then he has a few hours of trying to mentally prepare himself for this conversation, because even though he knows logically it's the best thing to do, it's horrifying. It's made a little easier by the fact that it's just Ian, and that he's also dragged Ian into this with him, but that still doesn't help a lot.

The delay bothers him a little at first just because he's nervous, but by the time Ian does arrive Lance has his head on his arms on the table and is dozing a little. Not enough that he doesn't wake up and lift his head when he senses Ian approaching, but enough that the time wasn't wasted.]

Hey.

Hey, man.

( No traditional Sup Nod this time, but rather a faintly worried assessment of Lance's physical state. Nodding off at the table isn't a great sign. He's not in Lance's line of work, but it's not exactly a secret of the trade that sleep is an important part of mental health.

He settles into his seat, sliding his cup softly along the table's surface. No kool-aid package this time. )

How much sleep are you actually getting now?

Enough.

[A few hours here and there, which isn't great, but better than just after returning from the Aerie. Not that that's a difficult bar to pass, but whatever.

He straightens up in his seat and pulls his own glass toward him, but it's just water; he hasn't started drinking yet, because he's still deciding if he's going to or not. It certainly makes hard conversations easier, but it also lessens the benefit of them.

And speaking of hard conversations, he immediately stalls, though the question he asks to do so is still out of genuine interest and concern.]

What about you? I know this isn't your favorite arrangement either.

I'm six one and I'm sleeping in a fucking hammock.

( Blunt but chill, forever slow and calm in his speech. It would sound amused to a stranger, but Lance isn't. The annoyance deep down under there is legitimate. )

At least when I was stuck in the safehouse it was on a mattress. You have... no idea how hard it is to have sex in a hammock.

( TMI? Sorry, man, you wanted him to talk. There's a little realness for you. )

[He's about to empathize with the first comment--he isn't quite as tall as Ian, but very close and hammocks are definitely not comfortable--but then Ian says that last bit and it takes great effort for Lance to keep a straight face long enough to respond with--]

Wow, way to make assumptions.

[Correct assumptions, but still.]

Maybe the locals can give you some strategies.

Edited 2021-06-08 05:24 (UTC)

Hilarious, but believe it or not I'm actually not interested in hearing about other people who probably did it in the same hammock I try to sleep in.

( Ignorance is bliss, although he did recently learn about the couples privacy bunks. Also gross, but desperate times. )

As much as I'd love to keep talking about my sex life in ways that will slowly make you uncomfortable because you know all the parties involved, I'm actually gonna go ahead and acknowledge the stalling tactic out loud. I'm pretty sure talking about it ruins the efficacy.

[Okay, he supposes that's fair, and also gross. It's gross enough sleeping in the same hammock someone else did, let alone anything else.

But... Hey. Hey. Lance gives him a look for a few seconds, and then shrugs and picks up his glass of water.]

Sounds like you're volunteering to go first.

Nuh-uh.

( He protests, pointing his cup at Lance defiantly. )

The whole point was this being a you thing. You skate around talking to everyone else about their problems, you never let yourself talk about yours. You've been hitting me with that maybe later thing since, like, the Aerie at least. It's bonding time motherfucker, bare me your soul. Quiz me after.

[U g h. Could he argue? Maybe. But would it be a good argument? Not even a little.

So instead he rolls his eyes dramatically, especially since the levity will probably drop extremely quickly once he starts talking, but then sighs.]

Fine. But when you regret this, you're the one who said I should do it.

[Just, you know, as a warning. Also, he feels he should add--]

Also, um, more seriously... I don't want anything I say to be a reason why you think you shouldn't talk about something you're dealing with.

[Part of why he doesn't share things is that he just doesn't want to talk about them or have people look at him differently, but part of it is also concern that they'll think they shouldn't add to his problems. And sure, that's incredibly ironic and hypocritical since another reason he doesn't talk to people is that he doesn't want them to have more to worry about themselves, but whatever; he's never claimed he isn't a hypocrite.]

Sincerely noted.

( Which might accidentally sound less than sincere just as a byproduct of his natural demeanor, but he means it. Thinks he can guess at the logic behind it, or at least narrow it down to two likely reasons. )

I'll thrust the full weight of my issues on you with no reservations.

( Okay, maybe that isn't quite as sincere. He'll have reservations no matter what, but they'd exist regardless. He'll just be mindful that he hedges for his own selfish reasons alone. )

[He can tell it's genuine--genuine enough, anyway--and so that's a little bit reassuring, but what isn't reassuring is that he's out of good reasons to continue to stall any longer and is now very much regretting the decision to have this talk in the first place. He knows it'll be a good thing, and it's long overdue, and that not having to hide things will make dealing with it all a lot easier.

But there's just so much, and it would be so much even for someone who was used to being an open book. And he is definitely not.

So Lance chews on his lip again, a nervous habit that comes and goes, scratching his nail against a small chip in his glass and letting his gaze shift toward the table. Might as well just start somewhere.]

So um... I think I mentioned before, when I told you about why I hadn't really been dealing with dying at home to the extent that I should be, that it was because there was something else mixed up in it that I didn't want to get into.

[And he still doesn't, but he'd identified early on in Hadriel that it was a part of why this whole thing was so hard, and he'd only become more and more aware of just how much that was true and in how many ways, and that dealing with it all alone hasn't been working. So he gives a long exhale as he steadies himself and decides how to put this.]

I was um, I was adopted when I was six, but before that I didn't have the best luck in the system. One of my foster parents was really violent, and it was just... Like a year and a half of nothing but just trying to make it to the next day.

[There are, of course, so many different aspects to this story and what that time in his life had been like, but this is the part he's realized is having the impact now. But putting how and why into words that might make sense is a challenge, and he's now fixated on trying to remove a smudge from his drink glass as a distraction while he talks.]

It was a really bad time in my life, but it was supposed to be over, and it had been for a long time. But then I was beaten to death and ended up right back in that cycle where the goal is just to survive, first in Hadriel, then in New Amsterdam, and now here.

[And coming to terms with that is something he just hasn't been able to do. It just feels so unfair and pointless, and he knows both of those things are part of life, but that doesn't make them any easier to accept.]

( Times like this, Ian's standard Processing Intense News demeanor comes in handy. There's not much of a visual reaction as Lance talks. No pity, no shock, no sudden discomfort, just that same patient calm. Internally, his feeling is a little more like: holy fuck, man. This is more insight than he's gotten on Lance maybe ever, including that pretty deep conversation they had in Ian's kitchen a few weeks back. It's deeply personal, deeply real, and... all of a sudden it's pretty clear Ian would be a total fucking asshole to be withholding whenever Lance decided to flip things and push him.

Damn it.

A year and a half of just trying to make it to the next day, and then getting fucking beat to death. )

To be honest, man, it's really fucking impressive that you've been thriving as well as you have been. A lot of people would break down over something that heavy. I get why you'd wanna shove it down so hard, it's gonna be something you can't really work through in a day, or a month, or like a year. And unless another guy with a doctorate or three shows up, you're kind of stuck professionally advising yourself, which even I know is a terrible idea.

( Ian wasn't an abused child. He may have been a pretty severe case of the 80s-90s latch-key phase, he may have had a pretty impactful feeling of neglect, but he can't even begin to imagine what it was like for Lance.

What he can relate to uncomfortably excessively is the dread and trauma of reverting back to a struggle every day just to survive mindset. He can feel that one down to the bone. )

[Although Lance isn't looking at Ian, he can still perceive body language and the general sense of how he's reacting, and it makes it easier that he's just patiently listening. That doesn't stop him from mentally bracing for the verbal response to be something more difficult to deal with, but it isn't.

As much as the situation is frustrating in how little can be done, it's just incredibly reassuring to hear Ian put into words the things that Lance knows but second-guesses himself on; that all of this is so much to be dealing with, that the process isn't an easy or quick one, and that he's in the position of being his own best bet in terms of professional help. Hearing it from someone else makes it feel less like something that he's somehow wrong for still struggling with, even though he logically knew that already, and more like he's just been dealing with it the best he can be. Even if that 'best' is not great.

He's silent a few more seconds after Ian finishes, going over things in his head, then he sighs and leaves his glass alone before finally making eye contact.]

But I'm so good at following my own advice.

[It's a weak joke, but that's fine; it's just meant to be a way to acknowledge he's heard what Ian said and appreciates it, before getting serious again.]

Thanks. I just... Hadriel was bad enough, but I thought it was the end of it. Somehow it had all worked out, we'd done what we were supposed to do, and I was going to a friend's world to live there. But then I woke up in New Amsterdam instead, and it just started all over, and now...

[And now they're here, and it feels endless, like there's nothing past this. Like his life's gone full circle and it was just an illusion that he'd ever gotten out.

Still, he takes a deep breath and draws himself out of those thoughts, managing the faintest hint of what's hopefully a reassuring smile.]

I think it's just going to be a really bad transition period, but I'll figure it out.

( He offers up a tiny quirk of the lips at his self-deprecating joke; more an acknowledgment than any real humor. It's unfortunately true, and it's in Ian's nature to obsess over fixing problems. Machines, people, it doesn't matter. He's done it with Nate and he's doing it here, thinking and overthinking and turning the dials and knobs trying to solve a problem that isn't easily solved — that he can't really solve. He's not a fucking psychologist, or therapist, or counselor — he doesn't even know the distinction between the terms. All he can do is this, and it frustratingly doesn't feel like enough. None of what he's doing feels like enough.

He swallows down a mouthful or two while Lance talks. Takes to thumbing the edge of the cup once he sets it back down again, fiddling mindlessly with his chest going blue, flexing the shape of the rim the way some people might fold up napkins or scribble loops. )

So... if you were treating a patient going through what you're going through, what would your long-term treatment plan look like?

( AKA he's ignoring that I'm gonna be fine lame ending to the conversation. )

Edited 2021-06-08 23:29 (UTC)

[Rude, Ian, to not let him get away with that.

But just having a normal conversation, and being validated but not pitied, is already a huge help because this means he doesn't have to hide so much. If he's having a particularly bad day, he won't have to struggle to get that across while at the same time pretending it's not that bad and he's got it under control because otherwise he'd have to get into what the actual issue is. He'll be able to talk about why some things that happen affect him in a way they don't others, or why his mood might flip suddenly at something he's picked up that meant nothing to anyone else. He won't have to spend so much energy keeping up a front that's just gotten harder and harder to maintain, especially because it prevents him from daring to reach out for the support he needs to actually get through all of this.

So sure, maybe Ian can't exactly fix this, but he's already doing a lot more than he thinks. The question is something Lance has thought about but typically brushes off in his own mind, because the answer is difficult, but having to actually put together words to respond means he can't just do that and that's a good thing. Being able to just bounce ideas off someone else might seem small, but it goes a long way.]

Unfortunately, the first priority would be getting into a better situation and environment, so that issues can be dealt with safely and without the risk of just compounding them further.

[Which is unfortunate because it isn't an option, and that not only throws out pretty much everything he'd normally advise someone about but runs a huge risk of things getting worse. Piling traumatic events on top of each other is dangerous, and so are the effects of being in these sorts of situations long-term.

But he's spent years now telling himself that he'll deal with it when the situation is better, and it never has been. So he's going to just have to work with what he's got, and so is everyone else who's struggling with their own issues.

Although he's allowing the focus to remain on himself right now, he's still very aware Ian is dealing with a lot too, so as he continues this can apply to both of them.]

But aside from that, the next step is identifying the parts of the problem. What exactly is causing stress, why it's causing it, what emotions are brought up and how they're connected to each other and things that have happened. What needs to be addressed and worked through.

[He's been pretty good at this part, so at least there's that.]

After that, it's allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, and giving yourself the time to feel that way. That's how you start processing what happened, and then accepting it and moving past it.

[And this is where it stalls again, for him. In a place like this--or in New Amsterdam, or Hadriel--the time and energy needed to work through things in this way not only feel but often are impossible to attain, and that's without the issue of it seeming like a waste when you're in a fight against the clock. Any of them could disappear at any moment, if this place is anything like the others, and if that happens before they solve a way to control it, then it won't matter how much progress he's made with his issues because he'll just be dead.]

( Lance is right, they have a lot of similar issues and the advice could apply to them both. However, since this conversation isn't technically about him he's opting to ignore most of that, thank you very much.

He sways in a kind of one-shouldered shrug. )

Well, stop me if I'm crossing the line here, and if I am I'm sorry, but... Letting yourself take time to feel what you're feeling hasn't really been... A thing. If you're waiting for perfect conditions, you're never gonna find them.

( Not here, not in New Amsterdam, not if they get bounced to another new place and he has to transition all over again. Obviously not if he gets sent back to his death. )

If you want... I don't know, maybe we can like. Do a thing, officially, every week or two, where we hang out and you vicariously therapize yourself while I soundboard you or something. If that's like a way too deep huge overstep and we're not on that level, you gotta tell me, because I have... No fucking context on what normal... Friendship... Boundary... Timeline things are. No offense taken, I swear.

[Lance just raises his eyebrows at the first comments about overstepping when paired with what Ian actually says; he doesn't say anything, but his expression is very clearly 'I'm definitely very offended that you insinuated something so true'. But levity aside, he considers the idea for a moment, offering in response to Ian's last comment--]

Neither do I.

[He knows conceptually what those sorts of things are, and it's not like he doesn't have friends or anything--here or back home--but to say any of his friendships have been normal would be a stretch. He does a whole lot more guessing about relationships of any sort than he lets on.

As for the idea itself, he doesn't have any problem with it, but he's also still a little hesitant. Not because of the issue of talking--now that they've had this conversation, there's only one more major thing he hasn't brought up--but just because he knows himself, and knows how he feels when he lets himself do so. He's a little scared to actually allow that, and then have to just turn it back off in order to keep getting by here.

But that's part of the idea of telling people he trusts, like Ian and Nate, about this. If it gets really bad, they'll be there to help, and he believes they actually will.

So after another few seconds he nods, dragging his gaze away from the table where it had ended up again back to making eye contact.]

Okay. Yeah, we can try it, but with a caveat: it goes both ways.

[These are gonna be sharing sessions for both of them.]

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cw from here on for discussion of child abuse

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