raianet | text ↪ un: weaverville

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text ↪ un: weaverville

Hey so

I've been screwing around with the network connecting the communications devices a little. I know there's no Spotify here, no internet, not a lot of music, which sucks. My MP3 player came here with me, so I figured maybe some people might like to have at least a few options. It might not necessarily be to everyone's taste, but it's better than nothing (probably).

I've uploaded the contents to the database, you should be able to access it or send/receive songs at any time.

Turns out they already had some music on there too, so you can poke around theirs and see if you find something you like more. I haven't gotten to go through it all, but at least some of it looks like 21st century Earth stuff.

Sidenote: you're welcome to criticize the contents of my MP3 player, just know that I've never felt shame in my life & I can and will sing all of these karaoke style to your face. IDK if you really want to live through that experience.

( feel free to threadjack as you like )

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[As Ian explains, Lance is quiet, watching him intently even as he tries to turn it down a little so Ian doesn't feel too scrutinized. He hadn't really expected Ian to be able--or, more accurately, willing--to articulate his feelings about this issue, or for them to be quite as familiar as they are.

So, once he's sure Ian's finished for now, he gives a quiet sigh and a small smile to acknowledge the faint humor in what he's about to say.]

It seems necessary to mention that we've had almost exact conversation before, but in reverse.

[But he doesn't need to go any further into that, because the point is made, and when they'd had that conversation Ian had let him get away with it for awhile. He'll extend the same courtesy and not push for now.

However, that doesn't mean he won't make something clear before he backs off.]

I understand feeling like it's more important to help people, but you can't forget that one of those people that needs help might be yourself.

[But that said--]

It doesn't have to be all at once, though. And none of us have been here that long.

[So if Ian wants to wait a little to address things, that's okay. It just can't be too long because it'll only get worse and worse.]

I know, I know.

( He sighs, self-deprecating and frustrated. )

As soon as I finished saying it, it was like deja vu, but it's not...

( Well, at least the first emotion slipping in is just him being frustrated with himself. Lips tuck into one cheek for a second or two while he tries to figure out how to explain the way he's rationalizing it. )

The difference is, you can do that. You can deal with your shit and still manage to... I don't know, get up every day and keep...

( Fuck, he doesn't know the word he's even looking for. Living? Being useful, being helpful, being productive. )

I can't. I mean, seriously, it's... It was pretty pathetic, man, trust me. When my mom died, I don't think I left my apartment for anything but class for like a year. I just, like, checked out. I don't wanna do that again, not in a place that's anything like what I was living with before. If something happens to one of you two that I could've done something about, or... I don't know. But it's not New Amsterdam, it's Crater Lake all over again.

( This is probably the most he's ever said about either topic, so that's definitely something. Even if he sounds like he's steadily getting a little more agitated with himself. )

[Lance gives a small, mostly humorless smile at the first comment; the particular topic is a little funny, but the rest of what he's saying is not. But the rest of it fills in a little more information he hadn't wanted to ask about, as well as giving him a bit more insight in some of Ian's behavior that he'd only had guesses for before.

He would tell Ian that he's mistaken about how well Lance can handle things, just to eliminate that as an excuse, but he doesn't want to risk turning the conversation back on himself especially when Ian is actually opening up a little. So, instead he nods, expression even and understanding as usual although he notes that Ian seems to be getting frustrated with himself.]

That isn't pathetic. It's a pretty common way of dealing--or not dealing--with grief.

[He does want to make that clear. Obviously it's not a healthy manifestation of the grieving process, but it is one that happens all the time.]

I get that you don't want to go through that again, especially if it means you're taking yourself out of a position where you might be able to prevent something bad from happening. But repressing the issues doesn't make them go away, it just makes them unpredictable.

[And that means they'll still come up, one way or another, only they won't be something that can be planned for.]

( There's a little part of himself piping up, as it always does when conversations get a little too revealing, telling him he regrets this already. There were better, more filtered ways to say everything he said — or not say it at all somehow, even though his conscience overrules that last notion. Lance deserves better than that after what he laid out. Who would've guessed the guy that ghosted almost every romantic prospect he ever had after the third date apparently has some super fucking annoying sense of loyalty after all.

It just makes them unpredictable.

Old life flight habits kicking in. Time to get a little dodgy. He doesn't roll his eyes so much as cast them over to one side, both his demeanor and his voice a little dry when he drawls out; )

I don't know, I feel pretty predictable.

( He's had more or less the same demeanor from day one up until now. Rain or shine, happy or annoyed, generally always — except for, you know, those extreme intense outbursts that happen once every five or so. He tends to tell himself something like that won't ever happen again, because he's gotten even better at locking himself down over time. To be fair, the last time that happened was when he watched Kyna die in the aerie, and he doesn't think alternate realities count.

How dare you possibly foreshadow a repeat. Besides, that's what drinking is for. )

[He appreciates that Ian is trying, but it's not even a little difficult to tell how uncomfortable he seems with all of this. And while Lance would typically like to push a little, he doesn't necessarily think that'll help; he's made the point, and it's up to Ian to decide what--if anything--to do.

Besides, Ian had given him time to think about things, so the least he can do is extend the same courtesy. But he does still decide to add a last remark on the topic, giving a small shrug as he reaches for his drink again.]

Maybe you are. But maybe it doesn't matter if you're predictable, because life isn't.

[He's learned this the hard way, over and over. But that said, surely Ian will have at least a little time to think about this before something happens, right?]

( That weird background sense of being about to tip over something lessens, and he thumbs at his drink again. Credit to his assertion, his posture's just as soft as it normally is, and his voice is just as raspy-slow. Beneath it, he's trying to figure out whether he feels guilty or relieved. Maybe a little bit of both, jury's out.

After a contemplative beat, he takes a drink and clears his throat at the tail end of the swallow. )

I don't think Nate ever really had a good picture of what it was like. I don't know if you do, either. I've mentioned it once and a while, but... It seemed like it blew his mind when he found out I went with you on that run.

( Which, by the way, he appreciates that Lance didn't seem to second guess him. )

I'm pretty sure what he's got in his head is that I just... took road trip up to Oregon, holed up safely in a cabin doing engineering things every day, and that was it.

( He's sort of... got a point he's getting to, somewhere he's trying to go with this. He hasn't really mapped out the dialogue tree in his head, but he'll find a good way to connect the dots at some point in this conversation. Thank you, alcohol, for helping muffle out that third and fourth layer of thinking where he tries to predict what Lance will say before he says it. )

[Lance nods, listening, and although he isn't too sure of where Ian's going with this--though since Ian isn't sure himself, that's probably to be expected--he is glad that he's continuing to talk about his world.

But it's not just about his world, it's about Nate, and what Nate thinks of him. So although the answer is pretty apparent, Lance's next question is more to encourage Ian to continue than anything else.]

Does that bother you, that he seems to think that?

( He clicks his teeth a little, shakes his head slowly. )

It's not... really about what he thinks as much as it is about what he doesn't think. It's-- the shit we had to do...

( He chews the inside of his cheek for a second, muting his frustration back down again and collecting his thoughts before he picks back up. )

We didn't make it out of the city for six weeks. We were on the road for more like six months, moving around just to find places to... survive for a couple days, because we had nowhere to go. There were-- they had these ships that kind of acted like giant magnets, they're quiet right up until they aren't. They use them to rip entire buildings up out of the ground and compact them for transport. It took months to find Crater Lake, and it's not like everything was just magically fine after that. Everybody still went on runs. Everybody still had to go out every week or something, and... deal with all that shit. Patrols that would sweep in and drag you off to a work camp if you got caught, the building you're in maybe getting ripped up before you can make it out, other people- other humans being fucking... crazy.

( As humans are wont to do.

And, yeah, now he knows what he was trying to work toward without yet being able to articulate it —)

My point is, I dealt with stuff way worse than this and I did it without either of you guys, and I was fine then. I know how to keep it together, unpredictable feelings or not. That-- this-- was normal for me like three times longer than I've known you. I'm more used to this than New Amsterdam. Neither of you guys need to worry about me as much as it seems like you are.

[He's taking in the information and laying out a little mental timeline, as this is all good to know and fills in a lot about Ian's situation, but he's not too impressed with the conclusion of it all. He considers calling Ian out directly on how no one ever says they're 'fine' if they're actually fine, but he decides to be less direct.

So instead, as he reaches for his drink again, he offers gently--]

Knowing how to deal with something doesn't necessarily make it any easier to do so.

[Just because he can live like this doesn't mean it's good for him, just like it's not good for Lance, or for Nate, or any number of other people here. Experience, especially when that experience is traumatic, doesn't make it suddenly okay to be going through something similar again.

But he has the feeling Ian is not really open to being pushed on this any further, considering how firm that doubling down was, so he follows up with a lighter comment in case Ian wants to let the conversation shift.]

Except for the terrible food. You do get kind of immune to that after awhile.

( He's not sure why he's half expecting that Lance will be annoyed with him after the pretty direct opposition, the firm stance on a point he's being stubborn about. Maybe because his only real frame of reference for something like this in the last decade has been with Kyna, and it seems like every time he stood his ground with her it wound up devolving into something... Weird.

But there's no tension in Lance, there's no hurt or offended look being leveled at him, no indignation, nothing that makes him feel guilty about it. It shouldn't be a surprise, those things are all pretty well outside of Lance's typical demeanor. All the same, a few muscles in his shoulders and back relax slightly. )

Yeah, that...

( He agrees with weary enthusiasm. )

That one does eventually stick. On the bright side, in like six months when we happen to find an alien box of Cap'n Crunch, it's gonna blow your fuckin' mind.

( Speaking from personal experience over here. Getting stoned and eating sugary breakfast cereal for the first time after a long and shitty winter was like a transcendental experience. )

[The turn to lighter conversation is fine with him, both because they've each been a lot more honest than usual and that's exhausting, and because it's a process. A little bit of progress is enough, and pushing harder right now won't do any good.

He's glad to see Ian's posture relax just a little, and so does his own as he shifts out of his intensely engaged countenance and into his more casual one.]

Ephemera brought me eggrolls like my first day in the safehouse, and after Hadriel that blew my mind too. I'm pretty sure he thought I hadn't eaten in a week.

[He's only slightly exaggerating, but wow had that been good food even without real meat in it.]

( He sighs nice and slow, wistful and pained, utterly beleaguered. )

I'd suck dick for some eggrolls.

( And thus they have officially exited Serious Conversation territory. Thank you for your contribution, Lance. )

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