raianet | text ↪ un: weaverville

( His mind hadn't even gotten as far as thinking about how Nate would factor into this. It makes total sense Nate knows about this stuff, the two of them are close, and it does ease a little of that strange, unfounded guilt about not somehow knowing Lance has been carrying all this for so long. At the very least he had Nate to share it with. Really good that he doesn't have to dodge around that subject; for as evasive and fake as he's been with people he's slept with in the past, he feels really fucking bad about keeping stuff from Nate.

Aside from, you know, his own emotions and struggles. That's totally irrelevant and you don't have to verify that with anybody else thank you goodnight.

His expression shifts from a peaceful relief to a slow realization, and then to a small wince. )

That's... really good, I'm glad. He doesn't... actually know about the whole... hobbit apartment thing I'm working on, though, so if you could... hold off on talking about that for a little bit.

[Lance watches his expression, trying to figure out what he's thinking about, and he definitely hasn't forgotten about turning this back around on Ian and making him share some things too. But for the moment he just raises his eyebrows at that comment, and he has to ask--]

Um, sure, of course, but is there some specific reason he doesn't know?

( He inhales like he's going to answer, and then just sort of... pauses with his lungs full. Exhales in an audible, slow demonstration of reluctance. )

I was gonna try and say I want it to be a surprise, but you just went full honesty and now I morally can't bullshit you for at least, like, an hour and a half.

( Strangely, probably an accurate time estimate depending on how long they sit here and how much he drinks. Post-conversation he's within his legal rights to close up shop again.

Right now, though...

He takes maybe another three or for seconds to hedge, making breathy-clicky-whistley stalling noises through his teeth. )

Honestly, it's because I'm freaking myself out even thinking about... the concept of having an actual... conversation about it.

( It, a completely unspecified it like he's too big of a baby to actually say moving in together. )

[Lance gives Ian a brief look of 'I'm going to remember that' about the hour and a half comment, but then goes more serious again as Ian continues to stall.

Although his eventual response is definitely vague, it only takes a moment to figure out what 'it' is and why Ian is suddenly so nervous, and Lance absolutely can't judge. He considers mentioning why, just because it might make Ian feel less self-conscious about it to know that Lance gets it, but decides to save that for now and try to help more directly.]

What part of it is freaking you out the most?

( The sound he makes could arguably be classified as a chuckle, but it's all breath and the only humor in it is the token amount that comes complimentary with his personality. )

Um... all of it.

( Every time the thought has come creeping up, the first trickling anxiety hang-ups flair and he sweeps them abruptly and swiftly away. Don't think about it. He knows just on instinct what his brain's going to trip and fall over, but he hasn't... let himself think about it too deeply, let alone say it. Here it goes, the cork's popped. )

I'm just thinking, you know— is it too soon? Is being in the situation we're in and the circumstances we're dealing with making me think about doing this too fast? Like, am I rushing things along before they're naturally ready because it feels like the best possibility for us to have like the slightest semblance of privacy and a place to... get the fuck away from everyone for a while? Is it unhealthy? And even if it's not, is he gonna think it is? Or is he gonna think I'm only doing this because I feel obligated to? And then there's the whole... what if he only says yes because he feels obligated, and whether he does or not I know I'm gonna be wondering it no matter what, and that's gonna suck for him to have to deal with, which might ultimately be what makes him wind up regretting it. And if he says no that conversation's gonna be real fucking awkward, and I'm gonna look like an idiot because I really don't have a good contextual understanding of relationship timelines and milestones. That just seems like the gateway to a domino effect of inevitably ruining the whole fucking thing. And I'm also still hung up on... should I make two bedrooms or three? Is it presumptuous to just make two? Is it sending the signal that I don't want to... share, if I make three? I can't even think about talking about it for more than two minutes in my own fucking head, there's no way I'd do a good job trying to explain that I want to but I don't need to and it won't offend me if he doesn't want to. And then after that, what if things do fuck up and then he just feels... stuck in this really awkward living situation, or what if I do the same shit I always do and freak out and then try to bail out of the whole thing, but I actually can't because that's where I live.

( Ian doesn't speak quickly, not in the normal way people tend to ramble in huge chunks about their anxieties. He just speaks continuously, with no real pause at the ends of sentences so they kind of blur together in one long stream of consciousness.

All the while, still somehow sounding insanely calm despite the absolute contradiction he paints with his words.

In summation: )

So I guess just pretty much... that.

[Wow. W o w. That is a lot, and Lance is normally very fast to process what people are saying to him, but it's still a bit of an overload even for him.

What helps, though, is that this is completely relatable and he very much gets it.]

Okay, so like, the normal stuff then.

[He says it lightly, but not flippantly; he means it, especially the 'normal' part. As calm as Ian sounds, that is not the rambling of someone who's calm, and assuring him this sort of anxiety and these sorts of problems are a natural part of things seems important.]

I'm going to be honest here in that I'm the worst person to give advice on this subject, because everything you just said sounds like something I've thought about myself, but it might be best to just... Ask him. Not 'hey do you want to move in with me', but more like, 'I was thinking about building a secret apartment, do you want in on that?'

[Something casual, an idea more than a plan, something Nate can give input on without any real weight behind it. Then the number of rooms, the issue of moving to fast, all of that can come later with Nate's input.

He can't say anything about the risk of something going wrong and being stuck in an awkward situation, or about freaking out and wanting to bail but not being able to, because those are things that might happen. But they're always going to be there as possibilities, so the best thing to do is to try to prevent them, but not let them prevent trying.]

( Lance's answer is a long pause that seems either mildly contemplative or mildly baffled.

A couple of days ago, he'd been talking to Alex the animal guy about how nice it would be to have an electron microscope. His mind immediately went to I wonder if I could make one, and Alex gently, kindly suggested they could probably just ask the scientists from the super advanced space ship. It's a fantastic example of how Ian's brain sometimes skips over the easiest or most obvious answer.

The way Lance pitched it sounded really fucking easy. He takes a few seconds to turn it over, automatically searching for reasons why he shouldn't and coming up empty.

Finally, he lets out a short, thoughtful: )

Huh.

( Wellp. Guess who feels like a moron. Surely his brain will have the opportunity to poke holes in this after a little while, particularly once fully sober, but for right now that suggestion sounds unbelievably viable. )

[...That is a long pause. Lance is a little concerned that maybe that suggestion isn't going over so well, and Ian is trying to figure out how to nicely tell him he's a goddamn idiot, but then there's just that 'huh' and Lance can't help but laugh a little as he stands up.]

I'm going to get a drink. I'll be right back.

[He gives Ian a quick pat on the shoulder as he passes by, going to finally get himself some of the horrible, awful alcohol now that he's past having to put difficult things into words. A few minutes later he returns, setting his glass down carefully and then taking his seat.]

So, aside from terrifying relationship milestones, what else have you been worrying about?

( The laugh earns him a wry look, and it helps bleed some of the tension out that he didn't even realize he had. Look at that, both of them got something out of this conversation today. What are the odds Lance will be satisfied with that?

Virtually non-existent, he knows, and so takes the opportunity to put a nice dent into his drink while Lance is gone.

He also spends that time trying to run through a few conversations in his head, trying to play them out so he knows which conversational path will be the easiest.

This opening question isn't a bad start, and he can answer it fairly quickly. )

Being on an alien planet full of unknown threats with no real infrastructure and extremely wary locals.

( Rolled out lightly, and with some faint humor behind it.

Just, you know, regular every day problems.

Very obvious and actually honest problems, but it's easy to make light of them. )

Is that all?

[Lance asks it lightly in return, unbothered by the approach; talking about the issue at all is a great start, so if Ian wants to be casual about it, that's perfectly fine.

But he's still going to pry further, because of course he is.]

Which part of that has been on your mind the most?

( Of course he is. At this point if he didn't, Ian might start worrying about an invasion of the body snatchers situation.

He has to bite his tongue to quell the instinct to rattle off some bullshit. A joke, maybe, or the answer that makes him feel the least vulnerable.

Instead, for the first time since they got here, he pauses to let himself just consider their situation. He tries to step outside of himself and observe objectively from a safe distance. Self-analyzing without actually feeling.

Maybe he should just start there. )

Honestly? I don't know.

( Which sounds like a cop-out answer, so he glances up at Lance to flash him a sincere expression. Just for a second or two. It's still easier to talk to his cup. )

I haven't really been letting myself... Think about it too hard. I've just been blocking it all out with work, so I don't give myself the chance to freak out.

[Lance sips his drink while Ian answers--ugh, it's still just as bad as last time, and even the stress of emotional vulnerability and the accompanying desire for alcohol can't help that much--and he isn't too surprised by the answer. He's mostly just pleased that Ian is being honest.]

That's understandable.

[Throwing himself into work to avoid thinking about it. It's a very normal way of handling things, and one that Lance can't judge even if he wanted to, which he doesn't.]

It's a lot to deal with, and it'll all still very... Sudden.

[And going from a situation like in New Amsterdam to a place like this, with what Lance knows about Ian's world, must be difficult to even begin processing.]

Yeah.

( He huffs the word out with a breathy, unhappy chuckle. )

One night I was sleeping next to my partner on vacation in fucking Hawaii, the next I'm hatching out of an egg light-years away from Earth.

( Hell of a rude awakening there. )

I guess I'm... I got a little too comfortable not trying to math out my survival odds first thing every morning. It sucks to go back to that.

Edited 2021-06-10 03:43 (UTC)

It does.

[He'd hated New Amsterdam himself, but that doesn't mean he didn't understand and appreciate how easy day to day life was there. For Ian, who he's pretty sure had a much more positive outlook on being in New Amsterdam and building a life there, this must be extra difficult even without factoring in the similarity to the situation in his world.

So Lance is quiet a few seconds, managing another sip of his drink with only a minimal expression of disgust, before addressing Ian seriously once again.]

It's okay to let yourself mourn what you've lost.

( He shakes his head slowly, with a contemplativeness that suggests he's not actually refuting the sentiment entirely.

He hasn't let himself mourn Kyna. Hell, he only barely let himself mourn his mom. Mourning a job and an apartment just seems so insignificant by comparison. And yeah, he should probably let himself grieve for all of it, he knows that objectively. It just doesn't... Feel, right now. He doesn't feel that need.

But that's what the moonshine regimen has been for, so obviously it's working. )

I don't really want to.

( Frankly, since they're going balls-out honest tonight. He wants to keep on not doing that.

He's just gonna power through this bluntly and confidently, and totally not feel exposed the entire fucking time. It's fine. )

The last time I lost something that mattered that much... I'm not good at handling I'm not good at that. It fucked me up for a long time. I can't really afford to do that again, I have a responsibility here. I'm doing things that could keep people alive, it's... That's more important than me right now.

( And also it would hurt, and he doesn't want to feel that again. That's the whole reason he never let himself get attached for so long until Kyna.

Is this completely hypocritical considering what he's offered to help Lance do? Maybe. Yes. He knows. He's just ignoring that too.
)

[As Ian explains, Lance is quiet, watching him intently even as he tries to turn it down a little so Ian doesn't feel too scrutinized. He hadn't really expected Ian to be able--or, more accurately, willing--to articulate his feelings about this issue, or for them to be quite as familiar as they are.

So, once he's sure Ian's finished for now, he gives a quiet sigh and a small smile to acknowledge the faint humor in what he's about to say.]

It seems necessary to mention that we've had almost exact conversation before, but in reverse.

[But he doesn't need to go any further into that, because the point is made, and when they'd had that conversation Ian had let him get away with it for awhile. He'll extend the same courtesy and not push for now.

However, that doesn't mean he won't make something clear before he backs off.]

I understand feeling like it's more important to help people, but you can't forget that one of those people that needs help might be yourself.

[But that said--]

It doesn't have to be all at once, though. And none of us have been here that long.

[So if Ian wants to wait a little to address things, that's okay. It just can't be too long because it'll only get worse and worse.]

I know, I know.

( He sighs, self-deprecating and frustrated. )

As soon as I finished saying it, it was like deja vu, but it's not...

( Well, at least the first emotion slipping in is just him being frustrated with himself. Lips tuck into one cheek for a second or two while he tries to figure out how to explain the way he's rationalizing it. )

The difference is, you can do that. You can deal with your shit and still manage to... I don't know, get up every day and keep...

( Fuck, he doesn't know the word he's even looking for. Living? Being useful, being helpful, being productive. )

I can't. I mean, seriously, it's... It was pretty pathetic, man, trust me. When my mom died, I don't think I left my apartment for anything but class for like a year. I just, like, checked out. I don't wanna do that again, not in a place that's anything like what I was living with before. If something happens to one of you two that I could've done something about, or... I don't know. But it's not New Amsterdam, it's Crater Lake all over again.

( This is probably the most he's ever said about either topic, so that's definitely something. Even if he sounds like he's steadily getting a little more agitated with himself. )

[Lance gives a small, mostly humorless smile at the first comment; the particular topic is a little funny, but the rest of what he's saying is not. But the rest of it fills in a little more information he hadn't wanted to ask about, as well as giving him a bit more insight in some of Ian's behavior that he'd only had guesses for before.

He would tell Ian that he's mistaken about how well Lance can handle things, just to eliminate that as an excuse, but he doesn't want to risk turning the conversation back on himself especially when Ian is actually opening up a little. So, instead he nods, expression even and understanding as usual although he notes that Ian seems to be getting frustrated with himself.]

That isn't pathetic. It's a pretty common way of dealing--or not dealing--with grief.

[He does want to make that clear. Obviously it's not a healthy manifestation of the grieving process, but it is one that happens all the time.]

I get that you don't want to go through that again, especially if it means you're taking yourself out of a position where you might be able to prevent something bad from happening. But repressing the issues doesn't make them go away, it just makes them unpredictable.

[And that means they'll still come up, one way or another, only they won't be something that can be planned for.]

( There's a little part of himself piping up, as it always does when conversations get a little too revealing, telling him he regrets this already. There were better, more filtered ways to say everything he said — or not say it at all somehow, even though his conscience overrules that last notion. Lance deserves better than that after what he laid out. Who would've guessed the guy that ghosted almost every romantic prospect he ever had after the third date apparently has some super fucking annoying sense of loyalty after all.

It just makes them unpredictable.

Old life flight habits kicking in. Time to get a little dodgy. He doesn't roll his eyes so much as cast them over to one side, both his demeanor and his voice a little dry when he drawls out; )

I don't know, I feel pretty predictable.

( He's had more or less the same demeanor from day one up until now. Rain or shine, happy or annoyed, generally always — except for, you know, those extreme intense outbursts that happen once every five or so. He tends to tell himself something like that won't ever happen again, because he's gotten even better at locking himself down over time. To be fair, the last time that happened was when he watched Kyna die in the aerie, and he doesn't think alternate realities count.

How dare you possibly foreshadow a repeat. Besides, that's what drinking is for. )

[He appreciates that Ian is trying, but it's not even a little difficult to tell how uncomfortable he seems with all of this. And while Lance would typically like to push a little, he doesn't necessarily think that'll help; he's made the point, and it's up to Ian to decide what--if anything--to do.

Besides, Ian had given him time to think about things, so the least he can do is extend the same courtesy. But he does still decide to add a last remark on the topic, giving a small shrug as he reaches for his drink again.]

Maybe you are. But maybe it doesn't matter if you're predictable, because life isn't.

[He's learned this the hard way, over and over. But that said, surely Ian will have at least a little time to think about this before something happens, right?]

( That weird background sense of being about to tip over something lessens, and he thumbs at his drink again. Credit to his assertion, his posture's just as soft as it normally is, and his voice is just as raspy-slow. Beneath it, he's trying to figure out whether he feels guilty or relieved. Maybe a little bit of both, jury's out.

After a contemplative beat, he takes a drink and clears his throat at the tail end of the swallow. )

I don't think Nate ever really had a good picture of what it was like. I don't know if you do, either. I've mentioned it once and a while, but... It seemed like it blew his mind when he found out I went with you on that run.

( Which, by the way, he appreciates that Lance didn't seem to second guess him. )

I'm pretty sure what he's got in his head is that I just... took road trip up to Oregon, holed up safely in a cabin doing engineering things every day, and that was it.

( He's sort of... got a point he's getting to, somewhere he's trying to go with this. He hasn't really mapped out the dialogue tree in his head, but he'll find a good way to connect the dots at some point in this conversation. Thank you, alcohol, for helping muffle out that third and fourth layer of thinking where he tries to predict what Lance will say before he says it. )

[Lance nods, listening, and although he isn't too sure of where Ian's going with this--though since Ian isn't sure himself, that's probably to be expected--he is glad that he's continuing to talk about his world.

But it's not just about his world, it's about Nate, and what Nate thinks of him. So although the answer is pretty apparent, Lance's next question is more to encourage Ian to continue than anything else.]

Does that bother you, that he seems to think that?

( He clicks his teeth a little, shakes his head slowly. )

It's not... really about what he thinks as much as it is about what he doesn't think. It's-- the shit we had to do...

( He chews the inside of his cheek for a second, muting his frustration back down again and collecting his thoughts before he picks back up. )

We didn't make it out of the city for six weeks. We were on the road for more like six months, moving around just to find places to... survive for a couple days, because we had nowhere to go. There were-- they had these ships that kind of acted like giant magnets, they're quiet right up until they aren't. They use them to rip entire buildings up out of the ground and compact them for transport. It took months to find Crater Lake, and it's not like everything was just magically fine after that. Everybody still went on runs. Everybody still had to go out every week or something, and... deal with all that shit. Patrols that would sweep in and drag you off to a work camp if you got caught, the building you're in maybe getting ripped up before you can make it out, other people- other humans being fucking... crazy.

( As humans are wont to do.

And, yeah, now he knows what he was trying to work toward without yet being able to articulate it —)

My point is, I dealt with stuff way worse than this and I did it without either of you guys, and I was fine then. I know how to keep it together, unpredictable feelings or not. That-- this-- was normal for me like three times longer than I've known you. I'm more used to this than New Amsterdam. Neither of you guys need to worry about me as much as it seems like you are.

[He's taking in the information and laying out a little mental timeline, as this is all good to know and fills in a lot about Ian's situation, but he's not too impressed with the conclusion of it all. He considers calling Ian out directly on how no one ever says they're 'fine' if they're actually fine, but he decides to be less direct.

So instead, as he reaches for his drink again, he offers gently--]

Knowing how to deal with something doesn't necessarily make it any easier to do so.

[Just because he can live like this doesn't mean it's good for him, just like it's not good for Lance, or for Nate, or any number of other people here. Experience, especially when that experience is traumatic, doesn't make it suddenly okay to be going through something similar again.

But he has the feeling Ian is not really open to being pushed on this any further, considering how firm that doubling down was, so he follows up with a lighter comment in case Ian wants to let the conversation shift.]

Except for the terrible food. You do get kind of immune to that after awhile.

( He's not sure why he's half expecting that Lance will be annoyed with him after the pretty direct opposition, the firm stance on a point he's being stubborn about. Maybe because his only real frame of reference for something like this in the last decade has been with Kyna, and it seems like every time he stood his ground with her it wound up devolving into something... Weird.

But there's no tension in Lance, there's no hurt or offended look being leveled at him, no indignation, nothing that makes him feel guilty about it. It shouldn't be a surprise, those things are all pretty well outside of Lance's typical demeanor. All the same, a few muscles in his shoulders and back relax slightly. )

Yeah, that...

( He agrees with weary enthusiasm. )

That one does eventually stick. On the bright side, in like six months when we happen to find an alien box of Cap'n Crunch, it's gonna blow your fuckin' mind.

( Speaking from personal experience over here. Getting stoned and eating sugary breakfast cereal for the first time after a long and shitty winter was like a transcendental experience. )

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