( The sound he makes could arguably be classified as a chuckle, but it's all breath and the only humor in it is the token amount that comes complimentary with his personality. )
Um... all of it.
( Every time the thought has come creeping up, the first trickling anxiety hang-ups flair and he sweeps them abruptly and swiftly away. Don't think about it. He knows just on instinct what his brain's going to trip and fall over, but he hasn't... let himself think about it too deeply, let alone say it. Here it goes, the cork's popped. )
I'm just thinking, you know— is it too soon? Is being in the situation we're in and the circumstances we're dealing with making me think about doing this too fast? Like, am I rushing things along before they're naturally ready because it feels like the best possibility for us to have like the slightest semblance of privacy and a place to... get the fuck away from everyone for a while? Is it unhealthy? And even if it's not, is he gonna think it is? Or is he gonna think I'm only doing this because I feel obligated to? And then there's the whole... what if he only says yes because he feels obligated, and whether he does or not I know I'm gonna be wondering it no matter what, and that's gonna suck for him to have to deal with, which might ultimately be what makes him wind up regretting it. And if he says no that conversation's gonna be real fucking awkward, and I'm gonna look like an idiot because I really don't have a good contextual understanding of relationship timelines and milestones. That just seems like the gateway to a domino effect of inevitably ruining the whole fucking thing. And I'm also still hung up on... should I make two bedrooms or three? Is it presumptuous to just make two? Is it sending the signal that I don't want to... share, if I make three? I can't even think about talking about it for more than two minutes in my own fucking head, there's no way I'd do a good job trying to explain that I want to but I don't need to and it won't offend me if he doesn't want to. And then after that, what if things do fuck up and then he just feels... stuck in this really awkward living situation, or what if I do the same shit I always do and freak out and then try to bail out of the whole thing, but I actually can't because that's where I live.
( Ian doesn't speak quickly, not in the normal way people tend to ramble in huge chunks about their anxieties. He just speaks continuously, with no real pause at the ends of sentences so they kind of blur together in one long stream of consciousness.
All the while, still somehow sounding insanely calm despite the absolute contradiction he paints with his words.
no subject
Um... all of it.
( Every time the thought has come creeping up, the first trickling anxiety hang-ups flair and he sweeps them abruptly and swiftly away. Don't think about it. He knows just on instinct what his brain's going to trip and fall over, but he hasn't... let himself think about it too deeply, let alone say it. Here it goes, the cork's popped. )
I'm just thinking, you know— is it too soon? Is being in the situation we're in and the circumstances we're dealing with making me think about doing this too fast? Like, am I rushing things along before they're naturally ready because it feels like the best possibility for us to have like the slightest semblance of privacy and a place to... get the fuck away from everyone for a while? Is it unhealthy? And even if it's not, is he gonna think it is? Or is he gonna think I'm only doing this because I feel obligated to? And then there's the whole... what if he only says yes because he feels obligated, and whether he does or not I know I'm gonna be wondering it no matter what, and that's gonna suck for him to have to deal with, which might ultimately be what makes him wind up regretting it. And if he says no that conversation's gonna be real fucking awkward, and I'm gonna look like an idiot because I really don't have a good contextual understanding of relationship timelines and milestones. That just seems like the gateway to a domino effect of inevitably ruining the whole fucking thing. And I'm also still hung up on... should I make two bedrooms or three? Is it presumptuous to just make two? Is it sending the signal that I don't want to... share, if I make three? I can't even think about talking about it for more than two minutes in my own fucking head, there's no way I'd do a good job trying to explain that I want to but I don't need to and it won't offend me if he doesn't want to. And then after that, what if things do fuck up and then he just feels... stuck in this really awkward living situation, or what if I do the same shit I always do and freak out and then try to bail out of the whole thing, but I actually can't because that's where I live.
( Ian doesn't speak quickly, not in the normal way people tend to ramble in huge chunks about their anxieties. He just speaks continuously, with no real pause at the ends of sentences so they kind of blur together in one long stream of consciousness.
All the while, still somehow sounding insanely calm despite the absolute contradiction he paints with his words.
In summation: )
So I guess just pretty much... that.