[He can tell it's genuine--genuine enough, anyway--and so that's a little bit reassuring, but what isn't reassuring is that he's out of good reasons to continue to stall any longer and is now very much regretting the decision to have this talk in the first place. He knows it'll be a good thing, and it's long overdue, and that not having to hide things will make dealing with it all a lot easier.
But there's just so much, and it would be so much even for someone who was used to being an open book. And he is definitely not.
So Lance chews on his lip again, a nervous habit that comes and goes, scratching his nail against a small chip in his glass and letting his gaze shift toward the table. Might as well just start somewhere.]
So um... I think I mentioned before, when I told you about why I hadn't really been dealing with dying at home to the extent that I should be, that it was because there was something else mixed up in it that I didn't want to get into.
[And he still doesn't, but he'd identified early on in Hadriel that it was a part of why this whole thing was so hard, and he'd only become more and more aware of just how much that was true and in how many ways, and that dealing with it all alone hasn't been working. So he gives a long exhale as he steadies himself and decides how to put this.]
I was um, I was adopted when I was six, but before that I didn't have the best luck in the system. One of my foster parents was really violent, and it was just... Like a year and a half of nothing but just trying to make it to the next day.
[There are, of course, so many different aspects to this story and what that time in his life had been like, but this is the part he's realized is having the impact now. But putting how and why into words that might make sense is a challenge, and he's now fixated on trying to remove a smudge from his drink glass as a distraction while he talks.]
It was a really bad time in my life, but it was supposed to be over, and it had been for a long time. But then I was beaten to death and ended up right back in that cycle where the goal is just to survive, first in Hadriel, then in New Amsterdam, and now here.
[And coming to terms with that is something he just hasn't been able to do. It just feels so unfair and pointless, and he knows both of those things are part of life, but that doesn't make them any easier to accept.]
cw from here on for discussion of child abuse
But there's just so much, and it would be so much even for someone who was used to being an open book. And he is definitely not.
So Lance chews on his lip again, a nervous habit that comes and goes, scratching his nail against a small chip in his glass and letting his gaze shift toward the table. Might as well just start somewhere.]
So um... I think I mentioned before, when I told you about why I hadn't really been dealing with dying at home to the extent that I should be, that it was because there was something else mixed up in it that I didn't want to get into.
[And he still doesn't, but he'd identified early on in Hadriel that it was a part of why this whole thing was so hard, and he'd only become more and more aware of just how much that was true and in how many ways, and that dealing with it all alone hasn't been working. So he gives a long exhale as he steadies himself and decides how to put this.]
I was um, I was adopted when I was six, but before that I didn't have the best luck in the system. One of my foster parents was really violent, and it was just... Like a year and a half of nothing but just trying to make it to the next day.
[There are, of course, so many different aspects to this story and what that time in his life had been like, but this is the part he's realized is having the impact now. But putting how and why into words that might make sense is a challenge, and he's now fixated on trying to remove a smudge from his drink glass as a distraction while he talks.]
It was a really bad time in my life, but it was supposed to be over, and it had been for a long time. But then I was beaten to death and ended up right back in that cycle where the goal is just to survive, first in Hadriel, then in New Amsterdam, and now here.
[And coming to terms with that is something he just hasn't been able to do. It just feels so unfair and pointless, and he knows both of those things are part of life, but that doesn't make them any easier to accept.]